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Thread: Sensory Processing Help

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    96

    Default Re: Sensory Processing Help

    Ok so we are two weeks into implementing the new parts of our routine and for my JrK son things are going pretty well. Thank you for the suggestions! The daily picture chart, the new week chart and all has helped tremendously. BUT his angry outbursts (often violent) towards others have increased. Instead of just handing out consequences, I've been taking the time to try to understand the cause behind them. For the most part, he blows up when something isn't "fair" according to his rules. If his sister hits him, then the "fair" thing to do is hit her back. I'm really at a loss as how to correct this line of thinking. Should I call the developmental ped? Are there picture books that help explain this? I've been reading the Out of Sync Child but I haven't come across this yet. Is there another resource available? Am I expecting results too quickly?

    Here are things we have tried:
    1. Time outs
    2. Time in the room to calm down (this does work for when he gets overwhelmed but not in preventing the outburst)
    3. Role playing
    4. Repetitive strategies to handle anger (ask for help, come to mom immediately, etc)
    5. Loss of consequences


    Heidi
    2017-18
    dd- MP2
    ds- redshirting K
    dd- 2 years old & scribbling on everyone's paper

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Lafayette, IN
    Posts
    911

    Default Re: Sensory Processing Help

    Quote Originally Posted by VAmom View Post
    Ok so we are two weeks into implementing the new parts of our routine and for my JrK son things are going pretty well. Thank you for the suggestions! The daily picture chart, the new week chart and all has helped tremendously. BUT his angry outbursts (often violent) towards others have increased. Instead of just handing out consequences, I've been taking the time to try to understand the cause behind them. For the most part, he blows up when something isn't "fair" according to his rules. If his sister hits him, then the "fair" thing to do is hit her back. I'm really at a loss as how to correct this line of thinking. Should I call the developmental ped? Are there picture books that help explain this? I've been reading the Out of Sync Child but I haven't come across this yet. Is there another resource available? Am I expecting results too quickly?

    Here are things we have tried:
    1. Time outs
    2. Time in the room to calm down (this does work for when he gets overwhelmed but not in preventing the outburst)
    3. Role playing
    4. Repetitive strategies to handle anger (ask for help, come to mom immediately, etc)
    5. Loss of consequences


    Heidi
    How busy are you? I mean, what are your days like? Are you out of the house a lot? Do you have more routine days or more non routine days? My son goes off the chain when we are busy, or he has a lot of outside stimulation. We are the odd family that two hours at a park means the rest of the day is meltdown mode. We can do an hour and only an hour. We did a jump park, also figured out 1 hour was enough... swimming, we can do two hours and I actually have three relatively calm children..... My son is also similar and if things are not fair, melts down!
    Christine
    (2016-2017)
    DD (8/09) SC2
    DS (9/11) SC-C
    DD (2/13) - soaking it all up!

    (2017-2018)
    DD (8/09) SC3
    DS (9/11) SC1
    DD (2/13) -still soaking it up, using Jr. K workbooks and R&S workbooks

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Location
    Durham, NC
    Posts
    273

    Default Re: Sensory Processing Help

    Quote Originally Posted by VAmom View Post
    Ok so we are two weeks into implementing the new parts of our routine and for my JrK son things are going pretty well. Thank you for the suggestions! The daily picture chart, the new week chart and all has helped tremendously. BUT his angry outbursts (often violent) towards others have increased. Instead of just handing out consequences, I've been taking the time to try to understand the cause behind them. For the most part, he blows up when something isn't "fair" according to his rules. If his sister hits him, then the "fair" thing to do is hit her back. I'm really at a loss as how to correct this line of thinking. Should I call the developmental ped? Are there picture books that help explain this? I've been reading the Out of Sync Child but I haven't come across this yet. Is there another resource available? Am I expecting results too quickly?

    Here are things we have tried:
    1. Time outs
    2. Time in the room to calm down (this does work for when he gets overwhelmed but not in preventing the outburst)
    3. Role playing
    4. Repetitive strategies to handle anger (ask for help, come to mom immediately, etc)
    5. Loss of consequences


    Heidi
    I don't have much advice, but you are not alone. My oldest often has angry outbursts. Sometimes it's because he's overstimulated/tired. But he also has a really tough time with getting an idea out of his head. He can get stuck on something for hours. Like "Why did C lay down on the sofa when I wanted to sit down?" His speech and OT are using Social Thinking materials with him. It's too early to tell for sure, but it is promising. https://www.socialthinking.com/

    I have heard good things about The Explosive Child, but haven't read it myself.

    I think you are on the right path.
    Susan

    2017-2018
    A (9) - AAR/AAS with SC2, R&S math 3, hoping to start SC 3 in the spring
    C (8) - AAR/AAS with SC2, R&S math 2, hoping to start SC 3 in the spring
    G (4) - Simply Classical A, hoping to start SC B in the spring

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    1,551

    Default Re: Sensory Processing Help

    Good morning, Heidi.

    Developmental ped? Yes, it could be a good idea to mention your concern. He/she may have good suggestions and, at least, can document the difficulties.

    Picture book? Yes, you may find Cheri Meiner's books compatible with the approach we take in SC resources. See "Cool Down and Work Through Anger" on Amazon.

    Other tips:
    -- Nip the "fair" argument in the bud. You can do this several ways. First, plan to address it when not still in the explosive moment. Second, conduct a lesson on what is "fair" but shift his thinking to what is (morally) "right" and "good." By nature we all want what we want/demand, but this is not how we approach decisions in our lives. Appeal to the big boy/man he wants to become. Ask if it is "fair" that Dad goes to work even when 1) he is very tired and 2) does not feel like it and 3) other people in the house get to sleep in or stay home? Dad does not decide what to do by what is "fair" but by what is right and good to do.

    -Similarly, (if you can do it without a martyr tone), discuss your roles in a single morning. List objectively the various tasks you do for the family that no one else does. Is this "fair"? No, but you do these things because they are good and right to do. Most importantly, you do these things because you love your husband and you love your children.

    -We strive to treat each other well from love. This (not "fair") is our highest standard.

    -Yes, this takes time -- years -- to model, teach, and convey to your children. But this does not mean you settle for faulty thinking or hurtful behavior in the meantime.

    -Be sure that the other offender (sister who hit him) is not favored but also receives a firm consequence. No favorites. However, do not point this out or in any other way perpetuate his argument of fair by comparison. In other words, you want to BE fair, but you do not want to overtly encourage him to view things as "tit for tat" or "an eye fir an eye" in his defending his own wrongdoing.


    I think back to my son at that age and know that your perseverance now will be worth its weight in gold in the end.

    More than anything, rather than "me, me, me --fair, fair, fair" we want from the earliest days for the child to hear and know "love one another, as you are loved." When that becomes his new internal standard, things change.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Location
    Northern Indiana
    Posts
    712

    Default Re: Sensory Processing Help

    "It's not fair" was a daily mantra in our house for a long time. When looking into what I could do, I found this gem: "Fair does not mean equal". I explained to the kids that fair means each person has what they need. This ties into what Cheryl was saying. It's fair to the family for Dad to go to work because it gives them the food they need. It's fair to your son that you teach him daily because it gives him what he needs to live a beautiful life. It's fair to your son for his sister to treat him kindly and it's fair to his sister for him to treat her kindly.

    I'm not surprised that his outbursts have increased though. I'm currently bracing for two weeks of tantrums from my 5 year old as we get ready to start our school year. She loves school, but she can't handle changes in our routine or changes in our approach to things. Your son is most likely reacting to your change in approach. It usually takes my daughter two weeks, from the time she starts reacting, to acclimate to a change. Your son may take less time, or more, as each child is unique.

    Also, one of my children definitely has an Old Testament sense of justice. While the "fair" concept is more rightly understood now, the "eye for an eye" is still a problem. This isn't something that you will be able to change overnight. My child is older so I have been more pointed (perhaps too much so if I was really frustrated!) in my remarks about how the Our Father asks God to forgive us as we forgive others (for others reading: I wouldn't recommend pointing that out to a child who deals with moral anxiety/scrupulosity). I also told them about Jesus telling us to "turn the other cheek". I did this a few times and then let it be. I will still mention things from time to time, but I don't harp on it as that can make children with "black and white thinking" double down on their ideas. We can, and must, point the way and discipline them when they act on their faulty ideas, but God is the only one who can change the heart.
    Jennifer

    2016-2017
    DS-13 & DS-12 (mix of MP5 & MP7), DS-10 (4th for New Users), DS-8 (MP K), DD-6 (MP K), DD-4 (FSR), DD-2

    2017-2018
    DS-14 & 13 (mix of 6M & 8M)
    DS-11 (5M),
    DS-9 (?)
    DD-7 (MP1)
    DD-5 (SC2)
    DD-2-1/2

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    1,551

    Default Re: Sensory Processing Help

    Yes, all good points. And, as Christine mentioned, watch over-busy-ness. We "learned" the hard way over too many episodes that less was more for us.

    Even today, my 22yo son works only 3 days a week. He knows he needs that downtime or he becomes irritable, moody, and agitated. Before work days, he has learned to shower early and head to his room by 7 pm to have enough time to listen to music or audio books before falling asleep. Had we understood his need for down time about two decades ago, we could have saved him much distress.


    All of the things you mentioned, Heidi, are good, as is everyone's help here. Everything works together.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    96

    Default Re: Sensory Processing Help

    Such a wealth of goodness! Thank you!

    I will order the book and give him some more time to work through some of this. I will also begin to document how many outbursts to be able to give the developmental ped some clear info.

    To the question of busy-ness: we spent the summer free of any commitments (other than morning chores and such) so I am sure the school rhythm does feel busy to him. I hadn't thought about it that way. We have been careful about adding in extra curriculars. His only extra is soccer which hasn't started yet.

    To the fairness issue: I had wrongly assumed he understood that when his sister hits him that her consequence of a time out is making it "fair." I think more direct teaching is necessary to define fairness and how it isn't how we want to live. As I thought about it, the humbling and critical part is this concept has eternal implications. A fair world is a world without love and grace; a world where all of us as sinners receive the punishment we deserve. Realizing that spurred me on even more!

    Thank you for the support and encouragement! I can't tell you how much it means to know I'm not alone in these experiences!

    Heidi
    2017-18
    dd- MP2
    ds- redshirting K
    dd- 2 years old & scribbling on everyone's paper

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