For those who are struggling, let's talk!

[Mary]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

If this "planning mode" post doesn't do it for you, sorry! Sometimes we really do *only* want to be heard.

Planning posts are ALWAYS appreciated! I'm glad to know we're not the only family that won't be finished until September.

[Miah]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

My sixteen year old middle child has caused all kinds of trouble in the past. He's been in jail a few times. He's done drugs. He's wreaked havoc in our household. He lived with my mom since April of 2016. There was a day program near her that would take him and the local school had a robust summer school program, so he could get credits for 9th grade. She wanted guardianship of him, claiming that that it was the only way to register him in school. The second she had it she dropped him out of therapy, because she has always known better than us how to raise our kids (and frequently told/tells them that). The last 9 months he has started showing a lot of progress and maturity and made better grades. He wanted to move back in with us. We finally agreed. Got him to the local school to make his schedule and found out that he had skipped two months worth of school, gotten no credit for the second semester of 10th grade, and that she had put him back in the therapy day school that I had moved him up there for. (Apparently about the time I started seeing positive behavior on his part) She claims that he finished the program and wasn't supposed to be back in it for this school year, but I honestly don't know if I believe her.

He is behaving better, but I see definite echoes of his old behavior, and he still hates the very concept of school. His desire in life is to accomplish as little as possible according to him. I am just glad that he won't turn 18 until the summer after his graduation date. He has decided that the best way to get to retirement fastest is to go into the military, and has signed up for JROTC this year, which I think will be really good for him. It feels right to get him home, but I also dread the coming ordeals.

I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in three weeks, because my doctor thinks I have an autoimmune disorder, (it strongly runs in the family) likely lupus based on the never-ending red mask over my face. I just know that some days I can barely walk even with a cane, and just taking a shower is enough to wipe me out for the day. Other days I am pretty good.

My oldest is a senior in public school this year, so looking at a pretty busy time with him, and the youngest has gotten away with entirely too much nonsense the last several months that I have been feeling awful, so he's not going to be making things easy for homeschool. I am excited about this year, but I also dread it a lot.

[sarahandrew]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

You ladies are wonderful!

We have struggles right now but they are so much less than what has been the case (my husband who has a serious chronic illness that impacts the rest of us a lot is managing symptoms much better and they are less severe, praise God, and that makes everything else easier to deal with). I am feeling like I'm having a lovely reprieve.

But I will be praying for you all.

Bless you Mary for starting this post

[Anita]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Recovering from 15 years of cyclical, undiagnosed Clinical Depression. Three kids with special needs. A toddler. The OVERWHELMING desire to plunk them all in private school and walk away with the baby on my hip.

That's all I got. (Except hugs. Lots of hugs. <3)

[RunnerJoy]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Mary, Thank you for starting this thread. Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories. What a blessing you are to your families! I'm encouraged by 'listening' to you.

I know I'm late to the party, but here's a quick rundown of what's happening with me. I've been a caregiver for grandparents for a long time now. Though it's normally only one day a week, it cuts into schooltime. Earlier in the year my grandfather and father both had a stroke only four days apart from each other. In July, my mom was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. About a year and a half ago, my son was shot in the eye with a BB Gun. He has been doing well, but he just told me that sometimes he can't see very well out of that eye. Even though I ask him almost daily questions about it, this is the first admission on his behalf of poor vision! He still needs medical care, but his dr just up and moved across the country and now we have to find someone new who specializes in pediatric eye trauma.

Which brings me to my question for all of you. What encourages you, spurs you on? I know Anita talks about self-care, how are you taking care of yourself so that you can care for the ones you love? In the midst of a hard day, what do you look forward to? Please share no matter how simple or complex. Some of us may need ideas on how we can do this.

I've not done a great job at this, partly because I didn't know exactly what it looked like for me. I've learned for me, exercise is a huge help in so many ways. I need the boost of endorphins and I feel better and have more energy after I've gotten into a habit of working out. That doesn't mean that I want to show up every day and do it, just that I know the payoff is worth the discipline.

The other one is more simple, but still important for me. I look for the humor in our circumstances. Laughter (aka joy) has pulled me through some struggles and I'm grateful for it. I cannot laugh and worry in the same moment. Please understand, I'm not saying that fear and worry never overcomes me. I just know that purposefully seeking joy is a blessing to me and my family.<3

[Mary]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Oh, Courtney! I knew what was happening with your grandparents and your son, which is hard enough; however, when it's a parent, it is just a new level of stress, anxiety and, quite frankly, a hard look at your own mortality. I am so, so sorry.

Gallows humor is huge here. It is off-putting to outsiders (which may explain why we have only a few close friends) but it has been a lifesaver for us. Prayer is also huge. I'm forever and always texting friends and acquaintances and asking for/taking prayer requests. Usually, there's a joke planted in there, as well. I think it's good for both humility and stress-relief.

Also, my "me" time does not involve manicures, massages, bon bons or Lifetime channel movie binges. When I can, I escape to the range. I'm sure this, too, is off-putting for many, but for me, there is nothing more centering than spending a weekend in 100+ degree heat running obstacles and obliterating metal targets in the process or, better yet, just lying in the mud on top of a rifle and getting into the Rifleman's Cadence while making long range shots. In all seriousness, it's torture and I come home dog tired and with bruises (and often ticks, chigger bites and once, a scorpion sting). I think it makes everyday life seem SO much easier - I mean, driving cross-country for an appointment seems like a piece of cake when compared to dropping in the gravel and commando crawling or accidentally whacking a nest of angry hornets while running targets in The Pit. It also gives me an appreciation for how simple, really, my life is. I get to go home after a weekend of this - it's all fun and games for me but, for so many, it's really not. Perspective, no? **This is why Tanya was poking fun at me in the "How to mark a book" thread. She's been dying to tell all of you what I do in my limited free time!**

I'm glad you brought this up because I think it's important to find time to do the things we love to do; however, it doesn't always look the same for everyone. I've had people try to get me to go to the salon or to go shopping for "some 'me' time", but that is actually more stressful than just staying at home! *LOL* Now, if there's a Goodwill nearby, I will spend all day in there...

[DiannaKennedy]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

I'm glad you brought this up because I think it's important to find time to do the things we love to do; however, it doesn't always look the same for everyone. I've had people try to get me to go to the salon or to go shopping for "some 'me' time", but that is actually more stressful than just staying at home! *LOL* Now, if there's a Goodwill nearby, I will spend all day in there...

Absolutely.

I was nodding my head when Courtney mentioned exercise. I used to run (two children ago), and it made me feel like a warrior. I'm slow as molasses, but trust me, I was always the nerdy one in high school. When people who've known me for years said, "YOU ran a 1/2 marathon?", I said, "**** straight." Plus, when I'm running, I'm a better mother. I don't get as ramped about things that really don't matter.

Mary is 100% correct --- what sounds glorious to one of us may be pure misery to another. Find what works for you, and remember it doesn't have to be complicated or expensive. Since we have MSC (Many small chidren) in a small house, my precious commodity is peace and quiet. For me, 'me time' is drinking a cup of coffee in peace, or enjoying a book that I don't HAVE to read for homeschooling. Homeschool planning is actually very fun for me, as long as I'm not interrupted 70 gazillion times in 30 minutes.

Find something small that lifts your spirits, and savor it.

[Anita]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Mary, Thank you for starting this thread. Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories. What a blessing you are to your families! I'm encouraged by 'listening' to you.

I know I'm late to the party, but here's a quick rundown of what's happening with me. I've been a caregiver for grandparents for a long time now. Though it's normally only one day a week, it cuts into schooltime. Earlier in the year my grandfather and father both had a stroke only four days apart from each other. In July, my mom was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. About a year and a half ago, my son was shot in the eye with a BB Gun. He has been doing well, but he just told me that sometimes he can't see very well out of that eye. Even though I ask him almost daily questions about it, this is the first admission on his behalf of poor vision! He still needs medical care, but his dr just up and moved across the country and now we have to find someone new who specializes in pediatric eye trauma.

Which brings me to my question for all of you. What encourages you, spurs you on? I know Anita talks about self-care, how are you taking care of yourself so that you can care for the ones you love? In the midst of a hard day, what do you look forward to? Please share no matter how simple or complex. Some of us may need ideas on how we can do this.

I've not done a great job at this, partly because I didn't know exactly what it looked like for me. I've learned for me, exercise is a huge help in so many ways. I need the boost of endorphins and I feel better and have more energy after I've gotten into a habit of working out. That doesn't mean that I want to show up every day and do it, just that I know the payoff is worth the discipline.

The other one is more simple, but still important for me. I look for the humor in our circumstances. Laughter (aka joy) has pulled me through some struggles and I'm grateful for it. I cannot laugh and worry in the same moment. Please understand, I'm not saying that fear and worry never overcomes me. I just know that purposefully seeking joy is a blessing to me and my family.<3

I led an entire session on this at Sodalitas. 😄 Once the videos are released, avail yourself of it!

But in brief:

Simplify, simplify, simplify! Simplify your home (misc or egregious dishes, cleaning supplies, makeup, hair products, knickknacks, books you'll never read/again, movies, kids toys, ripped or torn clothing, that dress/those jeans you've been hanging onto for 15 years, impractical shoes, art supplies you'll never use, etc etc etc). Make a gazillion trips to Goodwill and then stand back and look at your (already) cleaner and more peaceful home. (Contented sigh) Research "capsule wardrobe" (or as my bff calls it, "Garanimals for grown ups.") Once you have your wardrobe pared down you can make a hundred different looks with about two dozen pieces. In the dark. Half asleep. (I LOVE this.) Everything fits, everything makes you feel good, everything is hole free. I've gone a step further and ditched anything that has to be ironed, dry cleaned or treated with kid gloves. I make exceptions for my two, beautiful, wool winter coats. No zippers, no buttons, no belts. Easy care fabrics are your friend.

Be ruthless with your schedule. No, you cannot host the homeless shelter at church. No, you cannot attend book club if it starts at 830 all the way across town. No, you cannot make 45 pans of brownies for the potluck. No, you cannot make a gourmet meal from scratch every night. No, you cannot sew all your kids' Halloween costumes. No. No. NO. (I love "no".)

Reduce the number of decisions you have to make every day. Look up "decision fatigue". This goes along with simplifying. The less junk you have, the fewer decisions. (Aka "What takes up your space, takes up your time.") Create a mnemonic for how your day should run. My morning, for example, goes like this: diapers, doodoo, dishes, dog, Bible, breakfast, brush. That is my mnemonic for "make sure the baby isn't fussing; change the cat litter, unload the dishes, walk the dog in the moonlight (doubles as workout); Bible and prayer time; eat/serve morning food; brush teeth and hair in order to look and smell better than an old dish rag." I've got such a tight schedule that I don't even have to think about my routine. It's automatic. It's awesome. And rest time and white space (time for me to do whatever the hell I want) are in my schedule every single day. Move in straight lines from task to task and don't stop and get distracted. You'll be amazed how efficient this is.

I'm getting more done with more peace and more rest than I have in about five years. YMMV, but this is the self-care system that works best for me. Critical to this system, however, are:
*one primary creative outlet (I paint)
*a spiritual discipline (most days of the week)
*exercise (do what you love -- I will never be a runner and that's okay!)
*LAUGHTER (and more laughter)
*and enough sleep (no more midnight oil burning)
Take care of yourself the way you take care of others. That's about it.

EDIT: forgot to mention one of my favorites -- extreme gardening. (Just because "gardening" sounds a little too Jane Austen/Beatrix Potter. Maybe "landscaping" works better?) Think: chainsaws, delimbers, weed eaters, blowers, tillers and shearers as sharp as a good knife. My happy place. It's incredible instant gratification to gut an overgrown flower bed, remove dead shrubbery, re-rock the front pathway or divide some huge clumps of bearded iris and spread them all over the yard. As someone much more clever than I once said, "You can bury a lot of troubles just by digging in the dirt."

[Anita]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Oh, Courtney! I knew what was happening with your grandparents and your son, which is hard enough; however, when it's a parent, it is just a new level of stress, anxiety and, quite frankly, a hard look at your own mortality. I am so, so sorry.

Gallows humor is huge here. It is off-putting to outsiders (which may explain why we have only a few close friends) but it has been a lifesaver for us. Prayer is also huge. I'm forever and always texting friends and acquaintances and asking for/taking prayer requests. Usually, there's a joke planted in there, as well. I think it's good for both humility and stress-relief.

Also, my "me" time does not involve manicures, massages, bon bons or Lifetime channel movie binges. When I can, I escape to the range. I'm sure this, too, is off-putting for many, but for me, there is nothing more centering than spending a weekend in 100+ degree heat running obstacles and obliterating metal targets in the process or, better yet, just lying in the mud on top of a rifle and getting into the Rifleman's Cadence while making long range shots. In all seriousness, it's torture and I come home dog tired and with bruises (and often ticks, chigger bites and once, a scorpion sting). I think it makes everyday life seem SO much easier - I mean, driving cross-country for an appointment seems like a piece of cake when compared to dropping in the gravel and commando crawling or accidentally whacking a nest of angry hornets while running targets in The Pit. It also gives me an appreciation for how simple, really, my life is. I get to go home after a weekend of this - it's all fun and games for me but, for so many, it's really not. Perspective, no? **This is why Tanya was poking fun at me in the "How to mark a book" thread. She's been dying to tell all of you what I do in my limited free time!**

I'm glad you brought this up because I think it's important to find time to do the things we love to do; however, it doesn't always look the same for everyone. I've had people try to get me to go to the salon or to go shopping for "some 'me' time", but that is actually more stressful than just staying at home! *LOL* Now, if there's a Goodwill nearby, I will spend all day in there...

That's it -- I'm moving to Texas. Guns and mud.... Yum yummmmmm. If you could work in a kayak, a canoe, a couple good hiking trails and a waterfall, I'd be packed and on the road with the kids and the dog.

[Mary]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Oh, and Anita, we really should do a run-and-gun together! We'll scale walls, drag dummies, climb trees, shoot targets and traverse the river!

Book a flight here in October. Bring Tanya with you.

[Anita]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Oh, and Anita, we really should do a run-and-gun together! We'll scale walls, drag dummies, climb trees, shoot targets and traverse the river!

Book a flight here in October. Bring Tanya with you.

Like I could stop her.

[Mary]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Okay. I am now declaring a moratorium on using my phone to post. I JUST DELETED MY LAST POST AGAIN!!! *Insert fuming emoticon here*

I came back to correct a typo and if I press my screen anywhere NEAR the top half (which autoselects "delete post" for me - oh, joy), the whole thing just disappears.

I think the good folks at MP have done this on purpose so that you all can point and laugh at the technophobe as her head explodes.

[Mary]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

I just realized that in my blind rage, I broke my cardinal rule of using only one punctuation mark to end a sentence.

My apologies for the triple exclamation point back there. I'd go back and edit but we all know what would happen.

[tanya]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

It will be a beautiful weekend: Mary and Anita "running and gunning" while Tanya sits in her lawn chair enjoying the sun with a cool drink and good book, watching the "running and gunning" of course. And with an umbrella to cool off when the sun gets too intense. Is there an outlet mall nearby? Or just a mall? I'll need a shopping excursion too. And bring those spa gift cards.

Tanya

[KF2000]

Re: For those who are struggling, let's talk!

Which brings me to my question for all of you. What encourages you, spurs you on? I know Anita talks about self-care, how are you taking care of yourself so that you can care for the ones you love? In the midst of a hard day, what do you look forward to? Please share no matter how simple or complex. Some of us may need ideas on how we can do this.

I've not done a great job at this, partly because I didn't know exactly what it looked like for me. I've learned for me, exercise is a huge help in so many ways. I need the boost of endorphins and I feel better and have more energy after I've gotten into a habit of working out. That doesn't mean that I want to show up every day and do it, just that I know the payoff is worth the discipline.

The other one is more simple, but still important for me. I look for the humor in our circumstances. Laughter (aka joy) has pulled me through some struggles and I'm grateful for it. I cannot laugh and worry in the same moment. Please understand, I'm not saying that fear and worry never overcomes me. I just know that purposefully seeking joy is a blessing to me and my family.<3

Hi Courtney! I am heartsore to hear that your son is having vision problems, even this much later. It is so hard to carry those single moments that suddenly change our lives forever - with no warning, and no way to go back in time to change it. Such a simple, ordinary thing...and yet such lasting consequences. My son just got his first BB gun, and your experience is so fresh in my mind all the time. I know that he prays for your son too because he knows how easily it can happen. The first day our movers were packing our house in VA, the kids were at a friend's house and I got a call that my son had had an accident and I should come to "evaluate" what I thought should be done. Oh, Lord, I thought. Well, they were riding bikes down their hilly, gravel driveway and he wiped out. He looked like Two-Face from Batman. Whole right side of face was scratched up - even his eyelid and right under his eye. He also had left all the skin of his knuckles, the top of his hand, and the bottom of his arm on the rocks, and had a nasty abrasion on his abdomen that turned into a pretty hefty bruise. We got him cleaned up - but then it was off to the eye doc for an emergency look-see. Thank God, everything looked fine (and has been fine), but it just as easily might not have been. These things happen SO FAST. Geesh. Prayers, dear one.

But you also bring up an excellent question. How do I cope? Well, I agree with you too - being a former athlete, exercise is always "it" for me, but unfortunately my body does not always want to cooperate with my will. So exercise in itself can be a reminder for me that I can only do what I can do, and I have to be content with what today looks like. So that got me thinking about the fact that whether it is my joys, my struggles, or my pains, each one looks different every single day - and so I usually handle each day in whatever way I need to. Some days yeah - getting out for a run, or a walk, or even just going down the driveway to get the mail - is a bit of movement to loosen up and relax too. I make sure to take my headphones and listen to my favorite music as I go, which is a big boost for me. (And no, its not classical music. Mostly country, with some Christian mixed in). But even simple things are sources of comfort for me - getting to have morning coffee is huge; if everyone is still sleeping (like today) it is even better! Combine that with morning prayers, a bit of reading, a piece of really good dark chocolate somewhere in the day, a glass of wine at dinner - and I call that a good day.

I think the hardest times are when something happens that breaks that routine though. It can be something sudden - like an injury - that you deal with right away and does not have a lot of long-term changes to your daily routine; it can be something lasting - like a relocation for work that creates a large moment of stress but then will calm down once you start new routines; or it can be something chronic - where you now have something to deal with every day for the foreseeable future. These are where I get rocked out of my lovely daily pattern and face the reality of truly living moment to moment in God's presence. At the outset I am not able to do most of my sweet little things that make my day "good," and instead, have a heart that prays from the moment I wake until the moment I lie down. I find myself not even capable of using my "formal" prayers - just an aching heart that cries out constantly for help.

We have had enough of those moments in our lives that it has taught me one thing: absolutely everything that happens to me is permitted by God for my own good in some way. There has not been a single crisis in my life that has not made me more loving, more patient, more compassionate, more trusting, more hopeful - all the things God wants me to work on. And through prayer, He even gives me the great gift of understanding to know that the crosses have been perfect for me. So when I say that I pray on a daily basis - yes, I do, and that is a helpful routine to have to simply tackle the "normal" stuff. But when something is heavy, when something is really a struggle to either accept, adjust to, or endure, that is when I am not just praying my prayers, it is when I am wrapping my arms around the legs of Jesus like a little child, holding on for dear life.

And always - ALWAYS - God sends messages through those days to remind me of His presence. It can be a conversation with a nurse, a song I hear in an elevator, a text message from a friend at a perfect moment, a word or a hug from my husband - but it is always there at the least expected moment with no other possible explanation other than that God is wanting me to know that He's got this. He's here, He's with me, and I don't need to be afraid. And we are all learning this - my husband, our kids - all of us. That is how we are "making it."

Blessings,
AMDG,
Sarah