Moving advice needed

[Colomama]

Our family is no stranger to moving. My husband and I have been married 12 years and we've moved 4 times. We've moved only once, kind of twice with the kids. We moved from the big city to rural town of 600. Quite the culture shock. We moved into a temporary housing situation for 2 months until we found the house we now live in.

Our oldest child, then 7 now almost 10, had severe night terrors for nearly a year after we moved. There's question whether some of his emotional and behavioral struggles started with the move or would've occurred irregardless.

It's possible we may move again before summer. My husband can apply for a promotion. We were talking about this and didn't realize he was listening in. My son is adamantly against it.

So, it's not like we HAVE to move. I never intended to stay long term in this rural town, but we surprisingly enjoy the slower pace and love the sense of community.

So, the big question for those of you that have moved with older kids...is it better / easier to move with an upper elementary, or a child just before high school.

These are our options... Stay for now, but move in 5 years. Move now and move again in another 5 years.

(The husband plans to retire in 5 years).

Neither my husband or I moved in childhood, so we haven't actually experienced what our kids have. Would love some comments from those of you that moved around as kids or have moved your kids around. My husband's fear is moving the kids right before highschool (for the oldest) or in the throes of middle school for the youngers.

[melaneesa]

Re: Moving advice needed

We're a Navy family, so we've moved several times. In our experience, this has been harder on the kids the older they get. When they're 4, they move on quickly. Moving last year was very hard on my teen. We're hoping not to move again (at least not until they're grown and gone). If my husband can get reassigned in this area, we'll stay for that reason.

[Nerdmom]

Re: Moving advice needed

My husband moved once in childhood, and I never did.
We moved with our three kiddos this past summer, and it has certainly taken a toll on one of my kiddos in particular.

A mentor advised taking the year slowly, taking ample breaks to explore the new home and just enjoy being together, and be content with a simplified school year.

I'm definitely a check-all-the-boxes person, so it's been hard for me to follow through on that, but kiddo definitely does better when I'm less stressed about finishing "on time."

[Longwayhome]

Re: Moving advice needed

I moved every three years growing up. It is hard. Very hard. As a poster above mentioned, it gets harder as you get older. I wasn't homeschooled growing up, but I believe that homeschooling will help, as it provides another constant rather than one more new thing to adjust to. Much of my stress with moving as a kid stemmed from having to be the new kid at school. If you continue to homeschool, your kids won't have to deal with that.

Now I'm a mom with four kids, and the moving has continued. My oldest is almost 12 and has moved 5 times. We have another move coming up this year. I'm hoping and praying that this next one might be it for a while.

I don't mean this as harshly as I think it will sound, but I don't think we can not move only because our children don't want to. On the flip side, we shouldn't move without serious, prayerful consideration for their well being.

As a child, I knew moving meant upheaval, stress, adjustment, etc. Many times I would have chosen to not move if it was up to me to decide. Children's opinions, however, are not all that should be taken into consideration. Sometimes moving is what is best for a family, even if it means getting through some difficult times first. Sometimes it's not. This should all be talked about. Children can share their thoughts. But, in the end, parents have to do what they believe is best. Sometimes this may be to stay put. Other times this may be to move. Sometimes our children will be happy about our decisions. Sometimes they will not. When they aren't, that is the time to talk even more. Share things like: We know moving is hard, but here are the very important reasons why we, as your parents, are making a decision to move at this time. And then share them. Afterwards, and in the coming weeks and months, be sure to let kids openly talk and discuss their feelings about the move. Good feelings and bad ones. Don't try to explain or talk away why they shouldn't feel the bad feelings. Acknowledge. Be sympathetic. Get professional counseling help, if needed. Whatever it takes.

Remember that, as parents, we have to make tough choices sometimes. And sometimes, for many of us, we don't have any choice about moving. We just have to do it. It is out of our control. In all these different situations- choosing to move, having to move, choosing not to move, and even never moving- we have to give ourselves grace and not let guilt or fear overtake us. We all have uniquely challenging situations. All we can do is ask God to help us do our best.

If I had a choice, I would move as less as possible for my children, and as early in their lives as possible. The sooner everyone can get settled, put down roots, and stay put, the better. Of course, we can all dream up perfect scenarios. They often don't happen. Or they don't turn out like we expect. When that is the case, I trust that God loves my family more than I do, and that He knows what my family needs better than I do, and that He has promised to be with us through it all - whatever it is.

In your situation, I would consider the other positive and negative aspects of moving in the two different scenarios you described. All aspects. Opinions of children. Financial aspects. Extended family issues. Housing ramifications. Everything. Give that some serious discussion and thought. Some things may become clear just through that.

And, of course, most importantly - Pray. Ask for wisdom. Make the best choices you can, at the times you have to make them, and leave the rest in the hands of God.

[Jen (formerly) in Japan]

Re: Moving advice needed

I moved several times as a child, but my own kids have moved about every 18 months since they were around 5 yrs.

The extroverts always do fine with the moves. After all, they are seeking those new experiences in which to gain input. The introverts always suffered. The hardest years were the middle school years because middle schoolers are cliquish anyway. During the high school years (certainly age 15 yrs and up), peers were focused on academics and interests so my teens could carve a niche with the like minded, which resulted in light-weight friendship.

I think it might make a difference if you are planning to homeschool or away school in those years, too. Brutal truth: it is hard for older homeschoolers to make more than passing acquaintances after a move in the later years. Not impossible, mind you, but difficult, especially for the introverts. We'd arrive at a new location, seek to integrate with the homeschool group, only to find that the core kids had been together since birth (and were not looking to expand the social circle). I wish I had better news for you.

Bottom line, in my experience: the introverts will suffer any time past elementary school; the extroverts won't, no matter their ages. I've also noticed that if the mom is an extrovert, this seems to push the kids into the friend-making position a little more quickly. Sadly, I am an introvert, so I can only pass along my own experiences.

But, even if and when you do move, you will all gain something from the experience. Even if some of your kids struggle to make friends, the move itself is an opportunity that God is providing for you to strengthen your family ties. That might be the best news of all. My kids rely on each other *first* in times of anxiety, sometimes even before mom and dad.



Jen

[KF2000]

Re: Moving advice needed

I moved every three years growing up. It is hard. Very hard. As a poster above mentioned, it gets harder as you get older. I wasn't homeschooled growing up, but I believe that homeschooling will help, as it provides another constant rather than one more new thing to adjust to. Much of my stress with moving as a kid stemmed from having to be the new kid at school. If you continue to homeschool, your kids won't have to deal with that.

Now I'm a mom with four kids, and the moving has continued. My oldest is almost 12 and has moved 5 times. We have another move coming up this year. I'm hoping and praying that this next one might be it for a while.

I don't mean this as harshly as I think it will sound, but I don't think we can not move only because our children don't want to. On the flip side, we shouldn't move without serious, prayerful consideration for their well being.

As a child, I knew moving meant upheaval, stress, adjustment, etc. Many times I would have chosen to not move if it was up to me to decide. Children's opinions, however, are not all that should be taken into consideration. Sometimes moving is what is best for a family, even if it means getting through some difficult times first. Sometimes it's not. This should all be talked about. Children can share their thoughts. But, in the end, parents have to do what they believe is best. Sometimes this may be to stay put. Other times this may be to move. Sometimes our children will be happy about our decisions. Sometimes they will not. When they aren't, that is the time to talk even more. Share things like: We know moving is hard, but here are the very important reasons why we, as your parents, are making a decision to move at this time. And then share them. Afterwards, and in the coming weeks and months, be sure to let kids openly talk and discuss their feelings about the move. Good feelings and bad ones. Don't try to explain or talk away why they shouldn't feel the bad feelings. Acknowledge. Be sympathetic. Get professional counseling help, if needed. Whatever it takes.

Remember that, as parents, we have to make tough choices sometimes. And sometimes, for many of us, we don't have any choice about moving. We just have to do it. It is out of our control. In all these different situations- choosing to move, having to move, choosing not to move, and even never moving- we have to give ourselves grace and not let guilt or fear overtake us. We all have uniquely challenging situations. All we can do is ask God to help us do our best.

If I had a choice, I would move as less as possible for my children, and as early in their lives as possible. The sooner everyone can get settled, put down roots, and stay put, the better. Of course, we can all dream up perfect scenarios. They often don't happen. Or they don't turn out like we expect. When that is the case, I trust that God loves my family more than I do, and that He knows what my family needs better than I do, and that He has promised to be with us through it all - whatever it is.

In your situation, I would consider the other positive and negative aspects of moving in the two different scenarios you described. All aspects. Opinions of children. Financial aspects. Extended family issues. Housing ramifications. Everything. Give that some serious discussion and thought. Some things may become clear just through that.

And, of course, most importantly - Pray. Ask for wisdom. Make the best choices you can, at the times you have to make them, and leave the rest in the hands of God.

Longwayhome - we need to meet! Your post made me feel like I could have written it, as it has been what our life has been like and has required of us as well. We are in our 8th location in almost 18 years of marriage.

Colomama - the advice LWH gave is spot on from our experience. We look at families who have gotten to stay put for years and years, and have friendships that grow and deepen over such long relationships, and it’s hard. We don’t know why some folks get that and we don’t. It’s harder on the kids. But as Jen mentioned, it does strengthen their relationships with their siblings and us as a family.

One thing I will add though, is that part of the trust I had to learn was that God WILL give them what they need when they need it. As an example, our oldest was very, very shy. More so than any of the others because her first 2.5 years it was just her and I until Daddy came home in the evening. And then we moved ever 2 years for her first 10. I was so worried about when she would blossom and come out of her shell. And I had no idea what she needed to help her do that. At 14 she started working at a friend’s farm - with other teenagers, supportive faithful adults, and customers who came to the farm to purchase produce. It was a beautiful thing to watch - perfect environment and situation for her.

Now we have moved again, (and proabably more to come) and those same worries have resurfaced for our other children. But we keep going in faith that the right opportunities will be there when we need them most. God is not only in charge of your lives, but your children's as well. You do your part to raise them well, and then trust.

These times of discernment are so hard though. I wish God would be a bit clearer sometimes when we have an actual choice to make!!! But I will keep you in my prayers as we are in a similar time of “which route to take next.” God bless!

AMDG,
Sarah

[Longwayhome]

Re: Moving advice needed

Sarah,

Thanks for quoting me. I accidentally deleted my post when I went to edit! That's what comes from always lurking and never posting.

Blessings,
Krista

[Michael]

Re: Moving advice needed

I accidentally deleted my post when I went to edit!

I restored the post for you

[KF2000]

Re: Moving advice needed

Sarah,

Thanks for quoting me. I accidentally deleted my post when I went to edit! That's what comes from always lurking and never posting.

Blessings,
Krista

Ha! Perfect! I am glad your post was not lost completely because it was SO good!

AMDG,
Sarah

[Longwayhome]

Re: Moving advice needed

I restored the post for you

Thank you!

[Anita]

Re: Moving advice needed

You’ll be closer to Services for The Boy. That’s my biggest pro. (Lesser pro: you’ll be closer to *me* )

This is a lot to think about. Not quite a “Forum Magic 8-Ball” kind of question. Give it time. You know the answer already, down in your gut; down in your soul. But it takes awhile sometimes for that to reach your head. Sit with it for a bit. Then decide.

[sfhargett]

Re: Moving advice needed

I've been mulling this thread over the past few days. We have moved four times since we had children, three of those moves were out of state moves. It it hard for all the family members, but especially the kids.

But . . . our last move - we moved from a place that had virtually no resources available for my boys (speech/OT, etc) to one that has tons, and that alone would have made the move worth it. I don't know if the promotion would bring you to a more metropolitan area with access to better healthcare, but ours did.