OT: A personal note

[CarlynD]

Re: OT: A personal note

Dear Sarah,

I will be praying for you and your dear baby and family.

I've been away from the forum for awhile. Reading this thread demonstrates the depth of Christian love, hope, and knowledge of all the mamas here.

May Christ be with you....all.

Carlyn

[Teri C.]

Re: OT: A personal note

While praying for you and your precious little one tonight I thought of this verse (the verse I cling to more than any other), "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Praying for peace and joy for your family.

[The Autumn Oak]

Re: OT: A personal note

Sarah, that was such a wonderful and heartfelt post...You have given me much to think about and reminded me of much to pray about and I thank you for that...

Your little one is truly changing things for the people around you, even before birth...Not many people get a chance to do that...

[anastasia5]

Re: OT: A personal note

I haven't been on the forum for a few days, due to a house full of sick children. I just read this entire thread and am so filled with awe at the love and faith expressed herein.

Sarah, I am praying that your sweet little one will live to be baptized and confirmed. I rejoice in the reality of Christ's everlasting love and care and pray that His peace will envelop all of you in the coming weeks and months.

Anastasia

[KF2000]

Re: OT: A personal note

Everyone's posts have been such a treasure to me throughout these last two days. I really appreciate all the kindness, prayers, and support. There is such understanding from all of you about how precious life is, and how suffering does not derail our love for God but only strengthens and purifies it. Thank you for sharing that with me.

We do not know what particular difficulties will arise this time around, but I will share with you that we have lost three other children to miscarriage in the past. So one thing that I will treasure is that rather than allowing that to happen again this time, God has given us (and mostly me) the chance to feel this baby, and know this baby, even for a time. We will name this baby, which we have never done for the others. Miscarriage is so mysterious. For a brief time you are aware of hope, and joy, and then in an instant, it just silently disappears, leaving no trace behind. I am grateful that this child, who is no more real than the others, will leave us with memories of his or her presence.

There so much to be grateful for. Tonight I am very grateful for all the people who have turned to prayer for us. I am most grateful for that because I know that prayers change the people praying, for the good, and to think that our little one is bringing so many people to prayer through such a tiny little life is amazing. I remember a line from the movie Shadowlands a long time ago about the life of C.S. Lewis...the real quote is this:

"I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God- it changes me." (C.S. Lewis)

We have faced losing children before. As I have mentioned briefly, we have an 8 year old who was born with a congenital heart defect...tetralogy of fallot. The reality of a child with this set of defects for us was that at 5 weeks old she would have spells where her oxygen levels would drop because of the mixture of blood her defects allowed. She would turn blue, stiffen, and scream. As the days and weeks went by, she would have longer and more frequent ones. The only thing we could do was roll her in a ball to shunt the blood back to her heart. That's it. We had to wait until 11 weeks to have surgery. She had surgery Friday, and we were told by Saturday morning she would be off many of her machines. That is not how it went. By 11 pm Saturday evening, she was still ventilated, and had 6 attendings in her room, standing around her bed talking about her, while my husband and I stood in the doorway. Never in my life have I felt so completely helpless.

But our daughter rallied. She made it. It took longer than they thought, but we were spared losing her. But I was so different. I am a controller, a planner, a "doer" and I had to realize that this whole parenting thing is totally not in my hands at all. God can give, and God can take, and we are blessed by Him either way. I explain to my children all the time that the reason we are "on them" so much to be good, to learn the rules, to make good choices...is because we love them so much. We disappoint them because we don't give in to everything they ask. We make hard choices because we know what is best for them. I know that that is how God is with us. He is not out to please us, but to purify us. I know my controlling nature makes me want to think that if I eat right, stay healthy, do everything right, then it will all go right. God is reminding me again that it is not me. It is Him. And I love that about Him. I love that He is "on me" as a loving Father. My husband always reminds me that if our lives were "easy" and "comfortable" we would not turn to God so much. He is right.

So I do really appreciate all that everyone is doing for us...and I hope that it will bring blessings in each of your lives as well. God be praised,
AMDG,
Sarah

[AngelaA]

Re: OT: A personal note

I am very sorry, Sarah. I will be praying for all of you and for your intentions for your baby.

May God bless you with His love and peace.
AngelaA

[Anita]

Re: OT: A personal note

Dear Sarah,

I wanted to offer what I can in the way of encouragement, support, prayer and... to the extent I can, understanding. I will be 12 weeks pregnant in a few days; am 39 (my husband is almost 45); and I have three children with varying degrees of special needs. This fourth baby is a wild card. We have no idea what his or her future is. We know, given our track record, that this child is likely to have special needs. But nothing is ever certain.

I realize I am in line behind a looooooong queue of moms and dads whose children have far greater and more profound challenges than my children do. In many visible ways, we are blessed. The children have no health issues and are developmentally on track. They have some minor fine motor and depth-perception issues. Their main challenges are mental, emotional (my son has high anxiety and is prone to melancholy) and intellectual. We will always need heavy-duty support in their curriculum. But I have never known the anxiety and fear of knowing their very lives were in danger. We have never been in a position to wonder if they will survive... I cannot imagine the pain of that reality.

What little insight I can give is in the pain of coming to terms with *my* reality. I cannot speak to yours or anyone else's. I can only give support from the rough outline of the Cross I have been given. Your Cross is heavier. Can I help you carry it a little? I hope so.

"What did I do? Did I eat/drink/use something wrong? Am I a bad mom? Am I flawed? Is this payment for my sins? Why does this keep happening? What can we do to stop it?... Is this even real? Am I being paranoid? If I'm 'good enough' this will go away. If I turn myself inside out and become supermom, my kids will be cured. Why are I so tired and fatigued all the time? Why do I feel so isolated? Why does God feel so far away?" So many unspoken questions went through my heart and mind. And I was fearful of even having another baby. The special needs seem to be decreasing with each successive child, but my husband and I are aging... And the odds say that this child will either be just fine ... Or profoundly affected. We just don't know.

Fellow Catholic Mama, this I *do* know -- as I know you do: God is mysterious, not mean. He does not lie. He does not hate. He does not kill. He does not steal. He does not destroy. He does not delight in our downfall. He does not taunt, deceive or take back His promises. He is faithful. He *gives* life -- that we may have it more abundantly. The very hairs on our head are loved, delighted in and numbered. That is so hard to see in the midst of agony and an endless sea of choking, "Why's". Especially when our prayers seem to bounce right off heaven and return to us empty. In those moments, it feels like God doesn't care; He doesn't see; He doesn't know; He refuses to stoop down from heaven and help, let alone hear. "Where is God? Where has He gone? Why doesn't He help me? Why do I feel so unloved and empty?"
...
"My God! My God! Why hast Thou forsaken me?!"
"My soul is sorrowful, even to the point of death... Stay here and keep watch with me..."
...
Do we see now? Do we understand why God gives these mysterious gifts to us? They make us more like our blessed, adorable, loving, unspeakably holy Savior. Oh, my sweet Jesus -- what a gift! To be able to sit in the Garden of Gethsemane with You and share Your suffering... To wipe the bloody sweat from Your brow as we cry together... To take the betrayal and the scourging... To be whipped and mocked and spit upon in our pain... To help You carry the Cross ... To be crucified with You. Oh, dear Savior! Thank you. Thank you for this gift. Few people are able to see Your Holy Face so clearly as though the lens of deep suffering. My Jesus, how pure and sweet is Your love for me -- that You pull me close enough to Your Sacred Heart to be covered in its Blood, and to mingle it with my own, along with the water of our tears. My soul stands amazed. You would not ask me to share in Your suffering if You did not want me within Your Sacred Heart for all eternity. How many are they who have dreamt of such a blessing and will never know it! And who am I? What am I that You should think of me? I am dust... To dust I shall return. But You have made me a little lower than the angels by Your infinite love. Because the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing. To us it is life -- life eternal.

This is not something we tell ourselves to make sense of our suffering. Otherwise, Christianity would have died out long ago. The martyrs did not suffer unspeakable torture, singing hymns, for a mass hallucination or the power of suggestion. This God-Man is real -- He has touched us, healed us, set our souls on fire. We cannot turn away, we cannot refuse this Love. We are powerless to go anywhere other than where it leads. And it inevitably leads us to the Cross. It can go nowhere else. We have to go through the Cross to get to God -- whether in this life or the next. No one is exempt. We are crucified with Christ, yet we live. By His stripes, we are healed. We fill up what is lacking in the suffering of Christ when we say "yes" to God by our fiat. "Be it done unto me according to Thy word." "My soul doth magnify the Lord. And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour. Because He hath regarded the humility of His handmaid; for behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed. Because He that is mighty, hath done great things to me; and holy is His name. And His mercy is from generation unto generations, to them that fear Him."

And you *could* say no. Just as Mary could have. Just as the world does. Do you think many other families choose life for children like your sweet little Lamb? No. They overwhelmingly choose death. Because they do not want the Cross. They push it away. They want nothing to do with it. God, in His mercy, forgives them if they seek repentance, but they miss an inestimable blessing when they run. Who stood by Jesus on the Cross? Peter? The crowds? The many people He fed and healed? No. His Blessed Mother, a young St John and a few wretched women -- St Mary Magdalene the foremost of them. There are few who embraced It then, there are few who embrace It now. You have the courage to run -- not FROM the Cross, but TO It. That is a gift from God, my dear lady. Even if your steps are tenuous and shaky, and your feet are wet with mud and tears. He will lead you where He wants you to go.

A word about the baby: do not be afraid. This child was born to be a blessing. And all the dire predictions the world can dream up and throw at you are shadows compared to the Love this little Lamb will bring. We have a child in our parish who is dying... He has been slowly dying for the entirety of the 20 months since he was born. He was conceived with cancer in his very DNA. And nothing his family or his doctors do can stop it. It keeps coming back, stronger than the last occurrence. He, like Jesus, is a little Lamb "born to die". He recently went into the hospital for hospice. His mom and dad (and newborn baby brother) are with him 24 hours a day and they are enjoying the short time they have left. Of course his family is grieving. But they have also expressed the incredibly deep peace and love they are experiencing -- quite to the contrary of their expectations. It has caught them completely by surprise. They never thought they could experience such love amongst such suffering. There is no other explanation I can give for that than the grace of Christ...

This grace I pray for you through prayer and fasting. Stay close to the Cross and Our Lady. And this mourning will be turned to dancing.

All my best,

Anita

[Benedictine15]

Re: OT: A personal note

Sarah,

You and your family will be enclosed in prayer in the Immaculate Heart of Mary. God will give your strength and peace...trust in Him. You are a great blessing.

[GeorgiaMom]

Re: OT: A personal note

Sarah,

My Family Rosary Group has chosen to pray for your family this week. May the peace and love of God envelop you all.

Tracy

[Katie]

Re: OT: A personal note

Sarah,

I haven't been on here much lately but so glad I read this post. We are praying a novena to St. Gianna! Much love and hugs!

Katie

[happyhappyjoyjoy]

Re: OT: A personal note

Sarah,
My prayers are with you and your family.

Christina

[CherryBlossomMJ]

Re: OT: A personal note

Oh Sarah I cannot imagine you strength. Such deep heart prayers. Absolutely rejoice with the quick thinking blessings you do get to enjoy in this side.

[KF2000]

Re: OT: A personal note

Everyone has been so kind to offer such beautiful thoughts. Thank you. You are all such a blessing for your comfort.

AMDG,
Sarah

[Lakeside]

Re: OT: A personal note

Sarah,
I'll be praying for your family.
Pax,
Shannon

[Thrilled2haveboys]

Re: OT: A personal note

I am so sorry to hear this. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Our darling little ones sure know what to say when we need to hear it. Hugs to you.


Heather